Bestest Friend II
by Question the Majority
Summary: When Zim loses his memory in yet another fight, Dib fools him into thinking they're best of friends. Includes silly video montage and a special guest appearance by Keef his own self!
1. is the loneliest number that you'll ever...

Typical Disclaimer Crap: Bla bla bla, you know the racket. I don't own the rights to the Invader Zim series or characters, nor do I own the rights to the song in this story. However, I do own a copy of Star Ocean: The Second Story, which is wholly unrelated to anything here.--Matt

PS: Dib's last name is Casil in this story (and others I've written). The official site says that "Membrane" is just a stagename that Dib's dad came up with. Plus, I like the name Casil. It was Squee's last name and it's just a neat name. (Not only that, but according to my friend who knows Jhonen, Dib's unspoken last name is actually supposed to be either Casil or Kaiser. Jhonen never decided.)  
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**Bestest Friend II**  
by Matt Garner

It was a rather nice Saturday afternoon in Brooklyn, New York. The sun was smiling down on the world from a clear blue sky with just enough clouds to make the world seem extra-friendly. The wind rustled about playfully on a gentle breeze that kept the bright sun from making everything too hot. The birds were all singing happily, the trees and grass all looked their greenest. Even the bugs in the air seemed to be humming a cheerful little tune. Yep, everything was going just fine today.

Dib Casil was taking a relaxing walk about the city park today, enjoying the beautiful afternoon. It was rare for Ms. Bitters not to issue out a devastating load of homework for the weekend, but somehow she had done so this week... Perhaps she was saving it all for a double-whammy next weekend or something? Whatever the reason, Dib really didn't care right now. For the moment, he was just letting the peaceful breeze carry all of his worries, even his constantly nagging fears of Zim, off into the distance. That is, until the rookie paranormalist happened to come upon the little green monster...

"Blast this _SSSSSSSSSSSSSSICKENING_ happiness!" Zim hissed, watching various people about the park enjoying this pleasant day. GIR was in his green puppy costume, frolicking about in the flowers with his little squirrel friends.

"Awww, smile, Master!" squealed the little robot, "Mr. Sun's making the world all bright and shiny!" GIR rolled around in the flowers, giggling innocently.

"SHUSH, GIR!" Zim commanded, "I've already told you before that you're not supposed to speak while in your disguise! How am I supposed to explain to these fffffffffilthy human Earth-_stinks_ why my dog is talking?"

"Ah can fit a whole grapefruit in mah mouth!" shrieked GIR in reply. Zim clenched his fists and growled loudly in frustrated anger. Dib snickered and leaned against a tree. Watching GIR humiliate Zim with his unique brand of insane stupidity was always a treat. Just then, the show got even better, though, when the third member of the 3 Stooges arrived on the scene.

"ZIM! How are you, bestest of all my buddies?"

Zim jutted out his lower jaw as a frail-looking little boy with soft pink skin, big innocent green eyes, and thick reddish-orange hair ran to him, smiling like a lunatic. The boy quickly leaped at Zim and hugged him tightly, speaking unnaturally fast. "Isn't today a nice day Zim? It's all so bright and sunny and I love love sunny days don't you? I sure do! Hey you wanna come over to my house and we can play some video games or maybe we can go to Bloaty's Pizza Hog and have some pizza or go to the movies or do something fun huh maybe Zim?"

Using all the strength he could muster, Zim managed to pry the child off of himself and glared condescendingly at him. "Go away, Keef! I'm quite busy right now, walking GIR!"

Keef turned his head to look at GIR, who was currently engaged in a game with his squirrel friends. Apparently, this game involved standing a good 5 feet away from a large tree, running headlong into said tree, crashing one's head into it, then backing up and doing it all over again. GIR and the squirrels were all laughing hysterically.

"Oooooh..." Keef mumbled. "OOH! Well maybe I can help you walk GIR, Zim! I love doggies! Do you love doggies? I sure do! Doggies are so funny especially GIR! He makes me laugh so much! Hey I know what we can do let's enter GIR in a dogshow what do you think? I betcha he could win first prize..."

And so Keef's obsessive prattle continued, driving Zim outright mad. At long last, Zim's final nerve was shattered and the Irken Invader, not caring who saw his actions, produced a deadly laser weapon and aimed it directly between Keef's freakishly large eyes. "FOR THE LOVE OF IRK, SHUT YOUR #$ NOISE-HOLE, VILE EARTH-MONKEY!" he screamed, shivering with rage, eyes glaring demonically at the hyperactive child.

Dib gasped and dashed toward Zim.

"... does this mean you don't wanna' play today?" Keef whimpered with fear in his eyes.

Before Zim had a chance to give his answer (which would probably have been blasting a smoldering crater in poor little Keef's noggin), Dib pounced him and wrestled the psychotic alien to the ground. Keef, sensing possible danger, promptly wet himself and ran away screaming.

"FOOLISH WORM-BABY!" Zim bellowed, "HOW DARE YOU ATTACK AN IRKEN SOLDIER???"

"Oh yeah? Well how dare you attack an innocent little Earth kid?" Dib spat back. Okay, so it was a lame comeback. At least he saved Keef's life. Give the guy some credit here.

As the 12-year-old human and the 200-something alien broke into a most dishonorable fist-fight (I'm sure the Tallest would have been so ashamed of Zim... Well, if they weren't already ashamed of him for going absolutely insane and blowing up half of his own planet...), GIR blinked vacantly as little squiggly lines appeared about his head.

"My puppy-senses are tingling!" he squeaked. That's when he turned his head (completely around) and witnessed Dib grinning maliciously with one hand tightly gripping Zim's little green neck, and Zim yanking on Dib's hair like a little girl.

Without a moment's hesitation, GIR shot forward... Or, well... okay, actually, he sat there distantly for a moment, wondering how Pop-Tarts are made, THEN he shot forward, running as fast as his little feet could carry him. He quickly yanked Zim and Dib to their feet and stood between them, clapping his little metal hands.

"No more fighting!" GIR shrieked, "Fighting is BAD!" These wise words drifted right out of hearing range of the two mortal enemies. Zim snarled viciously at Dib, a trickle of deep purple blood running from his bottom lip and a murderous glint in his eyes, visible even through his violet contacts. Dib's dark eyes returned the glare from behind his now-twisted glasses. In a matter of seconds, they were back at it, trying to kill each other. Once again, GIR broke them apart and waggled a little black plush paw at them patronizingly. He then suggested (between various comments about pastries and fuzzy animals) that Dib and Zim should apologize to each other and then Dib should just be on his way.

Both enemies snarled at each other. Dib turned to leave after giving Zim another punch in the face. He was answered by an explosion directly behind him, scorching the bottom of his long black trenchcoat. Dib turned around just in time to see Zim firing yet another blast at him from the previously-mentioned laser gun.

In classic action comic book/cartoon show style, Dib dodged shot after shot until a misfire caused a tree to fall and slam directly on top of Zim. GIR gasped and ran, crying, to his fallen master. Dib looked around wildly in hopes that someone had noticed these strange happenings, but of course, no one was around except for that scary little chihuahua... oh and the Saucer Morons cult, but this kind of thing was normal to them. Sighing that the citizens of Brooklyn were still unaware that a creature from space was in their midst, Dib walked toward Zim in hopes that the tree had killed him... though he doubted it.

Zim didn't look too good, but then, he never really did. GIR had managed to pull Zim out from under the fallen plant (Never underestimate a SIR-bot's strength) and was replacing Zim's toupee, sobbing all the while. Despite the possible victory of the moment, Dib felt a tear or two rise in his deep brown eyes due to the sight of poor, innocent little GIR: Heartbroken over Zim.

"Wake up, Master!" the robot cried, "Please wake up! Don't go bye-bye! Don't leave me alone, Master Zim!" Dib bit his lip and held back the urge to pat GIR's head. The little bot probably would have just been angry at him anyway.

In a few moments, Zim grunted painfully and opened his eyes, revealing that one of his contact lenses had been lost. He rubbed his head weakly and sucked on his cut lip. "Wh... what happened?" Zim asked, surprisingly lacking a lot of the false bravado that he tended to throw into everything he said. GIR shouted for joy and hugged his master tightly around the waist.

"OH MASTER! YOU AND MR. DIB WERE FIGHTING AND I KNEW YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BECAUSE FIGHTING MAKES PEOPLE SAD AND THEN A BIG TREE CAME DOWN ON YOU AND WENT BOOM ON YOUR HEAD AND MR. DIB AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD BUT NOW YOU'RE NOT AND I'M SO HAPPY!!!!"

Zim blinked a couple of times at the little robot, then at Dib, then said "... who are you? ..."

"I'm Dib, remember?" The boy stared blankly at his arch-nemesis, hoping this all wasn't too good to be true. "Zim... don't you remember anything?"

"Who's Zim?" the alien mumbled helplessly. "What's going on? Who are you people? ... For that matter, who am I?"

A devious grin suddenly appeared on Dib's pale young face. This was perfect! If Zim had amnesia, then Dib no longer had to worry about the little alien! He could just lead the unsuspecting little mutant into his father's lab where they could dissect him and... Ugh, suddenly a deep feeling of guilt careened into Dib's gut, crashing and bursting into flames. But what about GIR? The poor little robot would miss his master so much... Unless there was some other solution to this little predicament...

"You're Zim!" Dib said with a big warm smile on his face, "Zim Zilinski, remember? Just a perfectly NORMAL human kid who doesn't want to take over the world or anything!" GIR blinked curiously at Dib as the boy suddenly seemed to believe the lie that Zim had been telling for so long.

"And... who are you?" Zim asked again, licking his sore lip.

"I'm Dib! Your best friend of course!"

And that's... when the video montage began...

----------  
(As the music from the song "You Gotta Friend in Me" from Toy Story began, the camera focused on Dib grinning like a loony, and then GIR and Zim staring blankly.)

**You gotta' friend in me...  
You gotta' friend in me...**  
(Dib kindly helped Zim back to his feet and walked Zim to his house, speaking to him as if they were the best of friends. GIR hopped up and toddled behind them playfully.)

**When the road looks rough ahead  
And you're miles and miles from your nice, warm bed,**  
(Scene of Zim and Dib sitting in their pajamas on Dib's sofa playing video games together and laughing.)

**You just remember whatcha' ol' pal said, boy,  
You gotta' friend in me...**  
(Scene from "Bestest Friend" with Keef and Zim playing tetherball, only it's Dib and Zim.)

**Yeah, you gotta' friend in me...**  
(Zim and Dib are seen in class passing mean drawings of Ms. Bitters back and forth. Then Ms. Bitters grows out of their shadows and drags them to detention.)

**You gotta' friend in me...  
You gotta' friend in me...**  
(Zim and Dib are strutting down the Skool hall, looking confident as ever.)

**You got troubles?**  
(Torque Smacky, the school bully, appears and stops them.)

**I got 'em too!**  
(Torque holds out his hand, demanding their lunch money.)

**There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you.**  
(Both Zim and Dib grin at each other and fold their arms, smiling defiantly at Torque.)

**We'll stick together and see it through,**  
(Torque stuffs them into two trashcans and kicks them down the hall.)

**Cuz you gotta' friend in me...  
Yeah, you gotta' friend in me...  
**(They both crash into the wall and climb dizzily out of their cans.)

**Some other folks might be  
A little bit smarter than I am,**  
(Zim is riding on a pony at a fair and Dib is cheering and waving a cowboy hat around.)

**Bigger, stronger too, maybe...**  
(The pony up and kicks Dib and the kid goes flying across the screen, slamming into a tree.)

**But none o' them will ever love ya' the way I do!**  
(Zim runs nervously to Dib.)

**It's me an' you, boy...**  
(Dib grins at Zim and gives him a thumbs up. His glasses are broken, he has one black eye, and only 3 teeth left.)

**And as the years go by,  
Our friendship will never die...**  
(Dib and Zim are in Gaz's room, dressed in pink nightshirts. They're painting their fingernails and giggling like little girls.)

**Ya' gonna' see it's our destiny!**  
(Gaz is seen standing in the doorway, snarling Satanically at them.)

**You gotta' friend in me...**  
(They are both seen flying out of Gaz's room, followed by cartoon swear word symbols.)

**You gotta' friend in me...  
You gotta' friend in me...**  
(Zim and Dib are playing catch in Zim's front yard and as the music dies down, GIR is seen in the window. He drags his little hand against the glass and a tear forms in his right eye.)


	2. be or not to be... that is the question....

**Bestest Friend II**  
(Chapter 2)  
by Matt Garner

Friday night. The beginning of the weekend. And yet, Gaz's least favorite day of the week. Why, you ask? Because Friday was the day when "Mysterious Mysteries of Unexplained Mystery" aired.

The disturbingly pessimistic little girl sulked in the corner of the living room, playing her GameSlave2 as her older brother and his "best friend" sat entranced on the couch watching "Mysterious Mysteries." She grumbled to herself as Dib and Zim chattered endlessly about the television show and the possible ghosts, aliens, vampires, sasquatch, etc. that might be inhabiting Brooklyn even as we speak. They were both rather positive that Ms. Bitters was a poltergeist of sorts, and quite honestly, I might be inclined to agree with them.

"This is even worse than when they hated each other," Gaz groaned to herself. At least when Dib and Zim were at each other's throats constantly, Gaz only had to put up with one imbecilic "X-Phile." Now she had two wannabe supernatural investigators bothering her at odd hours of the day.

At last the show ended, hallelujah. Zim and Dib headed upstairs to Dib's room to read monster comic books, discuss more paranormal activity, and play some games on Dib's PC. Gaz grunted as Dib told her they'd be in his room, and kept her attention on the little purple video game system in her hands.

_Finally, some peace._ Gaz would have smiled as the two idiots headed upstairs, but she was currently involved in a rather taxing level in "MEAT! the Video Game" and her cute little face was fixed into a cold, calculated stare. Precisely 2 levels, one bonus round, and 3 sub-screens later, a tiny knock was heard at the door.

"Come in," the little girl called, still transfixed into her game.

A long silence.

Another knock at the door, this one louder.

Gaz looked up and raised one of her thin, dark purple eyebrows. "I said '_Come in!_'"

A longer pause.

A deafening pounding on the front door.

"RRRRRGH!" Gaz hastily saved her video game, then stomped toward the door, her body language fully describing imminent death for the insufferable fool standing on the other side of the door. As if called upon by Gaz's foul mood, a rainstorm suddenly began with a crisp clap of thunder. Rain beat savagely against the windows as Gaz gritted her teeth and clenched one fist, ready to pummel the idiot who had bothered her. She then threw open the door and shrieked in horror at the image standing before her.

Lightning illuminated the night sky and was followed by a deafening burst of thunder. Gaz stumbled backward, dark brown eyes full of terror staring into the darkness before her, where all that could be seen were two triangular eyes, gleaming devil-red in the night...

Instantly the storm stopped and GIR leaped into the room, happy as ever. He hugged Gaz tightly and squealed "MENTOS FRESHNESS!"

"Get off me, GIR!" Gaz snapped, pushing the wet robot off of her and shaking some water off of her midnight-black dress. GIR stood vacantly for a few seconds, then shook about like a dog to remove all the water from himself. This, of course, succeeded in drenching poor Gaz further.

"What do you want?" Gaz snarled, pulling her now soaking-wet purple hair away from her eyes. Instantly, GIR burst into a long chain of unbroken speech. (You wanna' hear something strange? Listen to a creature that doesn't need to breathe speak for a really long time. No really! It's cool!)

"You have to help me, Miss Gaz! Master Zim isn't acting like himself anymore! I thought it was good that he and Mister Dib were being all nice to each other and stuff but now he doesn't ever make up any more fun 'world-domin...domin... um... take-over' games and he doesn't talk to the funny tall guys anymore and he doesn't even go into his lab to make little toy piggies for me anymore! All he does is spend time with Mr. Dib and I MISS HIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!" All that said, GIR clung miserably to Gaz and sobbed uncontrollably. He suddenly stopped for a second, barked out "_OBEY DR. X_!" then started crying again.

Gaz rolled her dark eyes and patted GIR's hollow tin-can of a head. "I know what you mean," she admitted, "I'm getting kind of sick of their buddy-buddy act too. I can only take so much of ONE stupid little freak bothering me all the time, let alone two... But what am I supposed to do anyway?"

GIR looked meaningfully into Gaz's eyes and simply stated "We gotta' make 'em mad at each other again!"

Meanwhile, upstairs, Zim and Dib were chatting away as had become their wont. Dib was grinning sneakily, trying to weasel some kind of information out of Zim, and the alien was shifting his eyes about, blushing a deep green.

"So who do you like, Zim? Huh?"

"I don't like anyone, Dib! Shut up!"

Dib cackled evilly. "I know you like someone! I read one of those little secret love notes of yours..."

Zim gasped and looked angrily at Dib. "HOW DARE YOU!" he demanded.

Dib shrugged. "It fell out of your notebook... so come on! Who is it?"

Zim gumbled a bit, then sighed defeatedly.

"Alright," he mumbled, "if you MUST know... I... kinda' like..." Zim bit his lip and Dib grinned eagerly... "... Gaz..."

Dib burst into insatiable laughter and fell off of his bed. "GAZ? HAHAHAHAHA! OH THAT'S RICH, ZIM! HAHAHAHA!"

"SHUT UP!" Zim yelled, blushing a deep, deep green. (Author's Note: I am not a Gaz/Zim romance fan, nor particularly a fan of any Invader Zim romance. I just thought this was funny.) "I'll bet you've got an embarrassing crush too!"

Dib smiled and shook his head confidently, saying that nope, he didn't have a crush, and secretly hoped that Zim hadn't noticed the excessive photos he had of Sailor Mercury all over his room.

Just at that moment, the door was thrown open and the scene was destroyed as Gaz and GIR stepped in, spite emanating from their diabolical stares. Zim and Dib shrieked in fear and hugged each other tightly, hollering "NO GIRLS ALLOWED!" Gaz stepped forward wordlessly and smacked Zim away from Dib. "It's time to put a stop to all of this, Dib!" she demanded as Zim hit the ground and cringed in fear.

"Put a stop to WHAT? I don't know what you're talking about," Dib lied, folding his arms.

"The heck you don't!" hissed Gaz, "GIR! Tell Zim the truth!"

Red-eyed, GIR saluted, then turned to Zim (now green-eyed again) and said calmly. "Master Zim, this is going to be hard for you to take, but..." The robot took a deep breath solely for dramatic effect, as I've told you before, he didn't really need to breathe, "...Scott from the Kids in the Hall... is gay..."

The horrified cry of **"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"** echoed throughout all of Brooklyn, disturbing the birds from their nests and the bums from their dumpsters.

_slap!_

"NO YOU IDIOT! THE OTHER TRUTH!"

GIR whimpered and rubbed his cheek where Gaz had slapped him. "Don't do thaaaaaaaaaat..." he whined, batting his hand at her, "Ya crazy!" Gaz snarled in frustration and turned to Zim, deciding it would work best if she just said it herself.

"Zim, you're not a normal human kid! You're really an alien from the planet Irk!"

Zim blinked for a few seconds, then nodded thoughtfully. "I suppose that WOULD explain why I've got green skin and antennae," he mused. "Cool! Take THAT, Dib! I'm an alien and you're just a normal Earth kid!" A childish laugh escaped Zim's throat and Dib smiled nervously.

"Heheh... darn it," laughed Dib, "Howcome I don't get to be anything cool, huh?"

"But Master!" whined GIR, "You don't understand! You're an Invader! The Really Tall Guys sent you here to Earth so we could take over and they'd rule the Universe!"

Zim blinked at GIR and tilted his head. "Why would they do that?" Zim queried, "That doesn't sound very nice at all!"

Gaz smacked her forehead. "Irkens AREN'T nice, Zim!" she explained rather angrily, "They're evil, heartless creatures that want to rule everything!"

"Well, geeze, they sound like jerks," mumbled Zim, "I'm glad I live here on Earth instead of Irk..."

Now, this had been a pretty lousy day for Gaz. She had lost her homework earlier, had her lunch money stolen, played all of her games horribly, and of course, she had to put up with Zim spending the night again. All of this finally reached boiling point when mixed with Zim's aggravating naïveté and, without another word, she hauled back and slugged the Irken right in the face, knocking him out cold.

"GAZ!" Dib gasped, "What did you do that for?"

"He was bugging me," she explained with a minor shrug.

Dib and GIR quickly helped Zim up, slapping him a little to bring him back to the world of the living. In a few moments, the alien opened his eyes weakly and mumbled painfully. "Owwwww... GIR... what happened?"

GIR smiled apologetically to his master, began to explain, then suddenly had another short in his wiring and bellowed "Put a wig on me an' call me SALLY!" Dib groaned, shook his oversized head and said "Gaz was going on another rampage and knocked you out, Zim."

"Oh..." Zim murmured, then his eyes suddenly shot open and glared evilly at Dib. "DIB! What are you doing here, you miserable little Earth grub?"

"'Earth grub'?" Dib asked in shock while Gaz slowly smiled, "Zim, what are you talking about? I'm your best friend!"

The ID pak on Zim's back sprang to life as long, mechanical spider legs shot out and carried Zim back, away from the humans. "Speak none of your lies to me, child!" Zim screamed. "Invaders need NO ONE! **NO ONE!**"

"Looks like the old Zim's back," Gaz droned in a voice slightly more pleasant than normal... which had to suffice for a happy one.

"YAY!" cheered GIR.

The joy of the moment was lost rather quickly, though, on account of the fact that Zim and Dib were suddenly back at it, trying to kill each other. Zim had reclaimed his laser and was firing wildly in all directions, gradually destroying the house. Within a matter of minutes, a blinding flash of light reduced the entire house to rubble with the four current inhabitants buried somewhere beneath the destruction.

Keef, who had been walking to the grocery store to buy some milk for his parents, stopped and gasped at the sight of the destroyed house, recognizing it as the one in which Dib and Gaz lived. "Oh no!" he cried, digging through the rubble, "Dib! Gaz! Are you in there? Please be okay!" The kind-hearted little boy's heart leapt for joy as Zim, Dib, Gaz, and GIR all rose from the ashes, looking a tad beaten-up but still alright for the most part. "OH I'M SO HAPPY!" he squeaked, hopping up and down, "I was SO worried that you guys were dead or something!"

The four victims of Zim's insanity looked blankly at each other, then at Keef, and asked in unison...

"Who are you?"

Keef blinked curiously at them all, then flicked his eyes over to the camera that had previously been unnoticed to all and grinned deviously.

Suddenly, another montage began, playing happy circus music as Keef and his four new friends enjoyed a trip to the movies, rides at the carnival, and so on... The final scene displayed Dib, Gaz, Zim, and GIR all dancing strangely like marionettes while everything slowly turned reddish and the music became increasingly demonic. As the camera moved up, it revealed Keef looming over them all, wiggling his fingers as if puppeteering his "friends." He then threw his hands into the air and laughed diabolically as two simple words appeared on screen:

**AN END**


End file.
